Oct 23 daddys little princess

this didnt get posted somehow...oh well

Daddys Little Princesss

When I was little I was use to dress up in my nicest dress, put on make up and run around the house. In a way I guess most girls did but I never dreamed about the boyfriend saving me when I was 5. It was my dad. Every time I'd get in trouble I would pray my daddy would come save me. We would be rich, and mom would be so happy dad was back all would be forgotten and daddy would read stories to me and Bryan as we drifted to sleep as mom made cookies in the kitchen.

Even as I write I tear up as I know that will never happen. Not only is daddy gone, but the person across the hall that got me in trouble in the first place is too. I cry often. I try not to let people see because Im suppose to be the strong one. Im suppose to keep everyone together. Instead of my childhood fantasy I get my stepdad only trying because he wants to keep my mom in his life. I just want to tell him he can stop trying, because I know his motivation.  He doesn't want to get  to know me. He only wants my mom to stay with him. Dont get me wrong I would love a dad, but I want one who wants me. I understand God giving us free will in that aspect. He wants us to be choose him freely not be bound because were forced to.

I know it sounds crazy but i still dream every night that i come out my room in a pink tutu and have my daddy sitting there treating me the way my stepdad treats my stepsister. Just to have someone look at me that way would be the most amazing thing in the world. Instead I get a stepdad that prob thanks God that I avoid him. I hate getting close to him then feeling the rejection. Im sick of the heartbreak and I dont need another heartbreak. For now hes staying where he is until something happens that I can trust him. I dont know what that is yet, but it has to come from him cause I dont want it to be for

Just me

This is suppose to be theroputic so here lies my new blog. Its not here for comments. Think what you want. I'm not making huge deals about it. This is me being me. Thoughts that I'm thinking. No mask. No fake smile. No notifications for you to follow. If you want to follow its on you to check in.
Now for the real life stuff. My brother died almost 3 months ago and its been the craziest experiance of my life. Its like all of a sudden my smile isnt real, but I'm good at the mask. People are real good at asking how I feel and how Im doing but when I come unglued finally are a little lost.

I miss my brother more than ever. I remember the phone call 3 months ago and feeling in total denial that he was gone. I remember 2 months ago kicking my best friend out of my life because upon her insensitivty I realized she was not a great friend. I won't start this out by lying. I miss her, but it was a distructive relationship and I am better without it. Gods been here the whole time whispering loudly that he loves me and that he has never left. He listens to my rants and is slowly helping me put my life back together. Its a very slow grewling process. In that whole process i am trying to be the godly example Gods created me to be. I dont think Im passing that test but the important thing is that I'm trying right?

School is hard because I haven't told anyone I just lost a brother. I dont want the stigma or the pity grades. If and when I make it through school I want it to be because I worked hard and I earned the degree I receive. So for now I will keep pretending like nothing is wrong and continue on with life as I am expected to.  I dont know when Ill be on here next but I guess well find out